Six new celebrity wines coming soon!
From press releases about Sarah Jessica Parker’s forays wearing gumboots into the vineyards of New Zealand, to Brangelina’s lucrative Provençal Rosé adventures, to Jon Bon Jovi’s uh, Rosé, to Drew Barrymore’s, uh… other Rosé (wtf?) that’s made by “individually peeling the skin off the grapes” (again, wtf?), celebrity wines are most seriously a thing.
If you’ve missed jumping through the window of the passing car that is fame by association, don’t worry! As Jay-Z showed with the Armand de Brignac “Ace of Spades” line, celebrity wines bring in some serious bank roll, so here are a few more headed your way. Get yourself ready to splash out on something a famous person has put their name on!
Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson – South Australian Shiraz
He body slammed us as a wrestler. He charmed us with his comedic side in “Central Intelligence”. He single-handedly saved the “Faster-er Furiouser-er” franchise. A man of many talents, his success is all founded on having biceps the size of jet engines which is why he’s happy to introduce his South Australian Shiraz. Brawny, peppery but with a unique down-home charm that’s irresistible. Each wine comes in a special, “rock bottle” weighing 5kg so that you can do your curls while drinking this blockbuster wine.
Note: Dwayne presses all the grapes for the wines with his bare hands.
Olivia Colman – Fino Sherry
Versatile, flexible and for years largely unappreciated before that Oscar win. But as seen in “Hot Fuzz”, not without a delightful naughty streak at times like when the flor dies off to give that zesty nutty bit–intentional innuendo? Oh yes. Olivia’s signature Fino fits in to any meal and greatly enhances it no matter what the role. Appetizer? No problem. Mains? No problem. Even the cheese course can’t take down this star.
Note: Very active in the harvest, Olivia has seemingly mastered every supporting role in the harvest.
Keanu Reeves – Lodi Zinfandel
How old is he? What’s his family background? Will he go indie or mainstream with the next film? Like the man himself, it’s hard to discern this wine’s origin or what its future holds, but it’s such a crowd pleaser, who cares. Californian, Italian, Croatian, or even further afield, what you end up with in this Zinfandel is a deep, brooding wine that’s still got that blockbuster underpinning with a touch of sweetness.
Note: Keanu meditates in the vineyards from the onset of ripening until harvest when the grapes are at their most vulnerable.
Allison Janney – Alsatian Riesling
Allison’s latest shows seem like something only your mom would watch but once you sit down, you end up enjoying them as well thanks to her wit and understated acidic zing. Lithesome but with plenty of body and complexity as it ages, this is a wine that embodies Allison at her best, especially as it’s one of the tallest bottles on the market!
Note: While Allison isn’t active in the winemaking, she enjoys drinking this wine year-round, but only while seated because she doesn’t want to tower over the wine like she does her male co-stars.
Tom Cruise – Mendoza Malbec
Seemed like a youthful, one hit wonder but it just keeps coming back. No matter how many new editions are released, it always starts to seem like we’re sitting down to the same thing. It makes one think, “How many times can you jump out of a plane or run down a street shirtless?” Oh, are we talking about the man now or the wine? By now, it’s clear that they’re one and the same and that’s why this Malbec embodies everything about the ageless Mr. Cruise so effortlessly, except instead of HGH injections, its meatiness is enhanced by being put through spinning cones to remove any sediment, volatility, or signs of aging.
Note: Tom screams while parachuting into the vineyards from low altitude during harvest to “encourage” the pickers and ward off holistic engrams.
Gwyneth Paltrow – Veneto Pinot Grigio Non Vintage
Gwyneth has been acting since she was 17 and now has an academy award as well as a website called “Goop” given that “slop.com”, “froth.com”, and “dung.com” were taken. Gwyneth, is everywhere, just like this Pinot Grigio made in her honor! This wine shows a pale color and has been made as a non-vintage wine so as it can take on the life force of younger grapes to maintain vibrancy and that smug grin of thinking it “made it” all on its on merits. Be warned that this will be an exclusive wine, only available to Goop subscribers for $67 a bottle. It will also be found at Whole Foods in the “Yoga Accessories” section.
Note: During bottling, Gwyneth works with the winemaker to consciously uncouple each wine from the tank while at the same time trying to remember how to spell her name when signing the bottle using a pen with ink that has passed through two magnets immersed in a colloidal mineral solution.