A bluntly-curated selection of absolutely random recent bits from around the wine and drink world.

Hot crimes, not

Recently making the rounds on Facebook (sorry, “Meta”) was the claim that a hot Florida woman was “driving a motorized shopping cart through a Wal-Mart while drinking wine and eating sushi and cinnamon rolls”. As much as this warrants massive style, originality, and just general awesomeness, sadly a different mug shot was swapped in and, given that the crime was far less sexy than originally reported, it didn’t happen in Florida, but Georgia.

Hittin’ the Mich?

Suddenly, Michigan seems far more appealing than it did one week ago, at least not in winter, and only near the shores of the lakes.

Pinot Cloir

Well that was inevitable. Fresh off the PR feed comes word that “clean wine” slogan inventors, Cameron Diaz and Katherine Powers have now launched a Pinot Noir under their Avaline brand, the only logo in wine that says, “adequate font leading is for bitches”. Will it be a successful industry titan? Probably because hey, it’s “clean”!

Hard seltzer, hard sell

In a massive case of, “well, that wasn’t as great as we thought it seemed”, apparently millions of cases of hard seltzer will be destroyed. Why? Because they’re not selling. Apparently the root of the problem is that many people (such as everyone not writing about drink trends) still don’t know what it is and has no interest in ever trying the 2000-teen’s take on 1993’s “Zima” which, from firsthand, one-the-ground reporting at the time, was found to be one of the worst manners in which to get drunk ever invented by humanity.

Everybody loves Merlot?

In going against all bullet points in scripted conference chats by people “who know”, apparently people still drink Merlot and even like it! This comes as unfortunate news given that no one knows how to update PowerPoint presentations once created and the concept of the film, “Sideways” killing off Merlot sales will persist until those on the conference circuit are forced to upgrade to the newest version of Office.

Some guests will ruin you

A two-star Michelin restaurant in Cáceres, Spain has suffered hundred of thousands of euros in losses after having a number of their top wines stolen in the middle of the night. The thieves in question were apparently staying in the hotel as well. In a follow up with the thieves at some point in the future, they will certainly be asked as to how they’d planned to move the wines to which they’ll most likely reply, “We had a lot of offers initially from all the standard ‘reputable’ auction houses, but Acker Merrall really made us an offer we couldn’t refuse.”

New blood in Bordeaux!

Proving that they’re not just stuffy mega-wineries, some folks up in Bordeaux posed in t-shirts to prove how edgy they can be. Not shown, their suit jackets just out of frame. Also almost not shown, “In partnership with Vins de Bordeaux” written so small that only people using screen readers can find it.

Stop the wordness!

Emilie Spencer stated during a lengthy chat about various complex aspects to wine that she wants to remove the jargon to which people not from a marketing background asked, “Um… can I get my wine now?”

Cheers, Scorpio

In what’s clearly not paid placement whatsoever, TMZ has reported that you must have these Zodiac wine glasses for the holidays that are only available from their online store. Those serious-minded Capricorns will of course not have any patience for such triviality. Taurus, Pisces, and Aquarius currently seeing Jupiter in ascension should wait to buy. All you Aries, order them immediately as you are about to come into great wealth that will come at the cost of all Sagittarius. Sorry about that, Sagi’s.

For better of for worse, that’s it for this week!


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