Cul de Cuvée 09-07-2022

by  |  09-07-2022

A bluntly-curated selection of absolutely random recent bits from around the wine and drink world served up “mostly fresh” for your enjoyment.

Hot off the news desk, Napa Valley has approved regulation for “micro wineries”. This new ordinance will apply to wineries that produce less than a million 12-bottle cases annually or… something to that effect. The CdC is informed that exact figures may indeed exist but refuses to be “adult” about things and instead giggle like a small child whilst awaiting the brave new era that appears will soon be upon Napa Valley, in like the next decade, or so.

It would appear that the only way to have a charcuterie plate cost less than $30 is to have it look like this in which case, we’ll just stick to the bread and water. Very Important Sidenote: Why does the balsamic drizzle make the mozzarella looked burned?

It has been reported that Cameron Diaz is “un-retiring” from acting which will make astute readers wonder if it will be possible to un-launch the Avaline wines. Of course not, clean wine is forever, unless of course the American Alcohol and Tobacco, Tax and Trade Bureau says that isn’t, which, it has.

In what can only be described as borderline-criminal “beer humor”, the maker of an IPA has stated that they will be opening a beer theme park in Napa Valley. Ha ha, that’s hilarious because you see, that’s a place where wine is made and people don’t go there for beer. It’s so funny. To emphasize that this is most likely a sad publicity stunt, only one permit to date has been filed with a handwritten note of, “Wine Sux” and a supporting document that appears to be buttocks of an unknown source.

From the “Well That Figures” (WTF) folder comes news that French winemaking juggernaut, Groupe Castel has been funding rebel militias in the Central African Republic in order to maintain its sugar assets there. Why does a wine company need that much sugar? It’s for their massive soft drink division, and, well, other “things”.

On the food front of the Russian war in Ukraine, Borscht has received UNESCO status which declares it to be a Ukrainian dish. It’s a good first step, but there are many of these to take on such as getting the Slovenians’ schnitzel-dipped fingers out of ajvar which they tried to trademark in the EU.

In purely Russian news, the almighty, massive sanctions, have finally started to bite. Putin and his associates have found themselves unable… nah, just kidding, it’s not hitting anyone in Camp Evil, just Russian winelovers who, due to the sanctions are needing to stretch their European wines further using Coravin. Problem is, they can’t get the pricey, non-recyclable argon capsules also thanks to the sanctions. Solution? Get an argon tank and build your own damned capsules which is what everyone should do until Coravin creates a way to accept capsules to be reused. Are you there Coravin? It’s me, the guy with a 10L argon tank in his wine cellar.

Actor James Caan passed away this week and it appears that in addition to being a bad ass, he was also a huge wine lover. Who knew? James Caan knew, that’s who.

Also in wine-drinking celebrity news, via a lengthy interview with the New Yorker (that’s resurfaced despite being from 2020), Fiona Apple stated, “She loved getting loose on wine, but not the regret that followed.” as if to channel all those who love the juice. She also took a step further in saying that “Every addict should just get locked in a private movie theatre with Q.T. [Quentin Tarantino] and P.T.A. [Paul Thomas Anderson] on coke, and they’ll never want to do it again” which should come as a shock to absolutely no one and if it does, you really need to get out more as the pandemic is over! (It’s not.)

Finally, in yet more Russian news (because it’s somehow less depressing than talking about Shinzo Abe’s assassination), eyebrows were raised at the recent NATO meeting in Madrid when ensaladilla rusa or “Russian salad” was on the menu in Madrid. One might say that the Spaniards should have read the room but it must be remembered that Spanish Olympic teams, when heading to the Beijing Olympics in 2008, saluted the host country like this.

Until we meet again in the cul of the cuvée.

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