I have a little bit of a “problem” in naming units of measurement after actual people. They don’t really take kindly to this as most people aren’t usually in the mood to be objectified or turned in to a noun. Some do like this, but they’re a very strange group of people we’re not going to talk about today.
At my last job, there was this very annoying guy who just drove me nuts. One day he finally pushed me over the edge and I told him, “James, from this point forward you are a system of measure.” Such things followed like, “If you weight 2.5 Jameses and we’re 12 Jamses up in the air, how many Jameses in diameter would you cover is fell at a rate of .75 James per second.” This all obviously stems from my utter hatred of the word problem as well. It went on for a while and co-workers would joke about it when they drank, so mission accomplished and all that. It was fun.
I happen to have a more serious recommendation for a unit of measurement that I think people should really take under advisement. As I write this, it’s been reported that the marriage of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline is on the rocks. Most people had written it off as a joke wedding anyways, but the reasons being reported for the problems all seem to stem from Kevin. He runs off partying without Britney. He doesn’t wear his wedding band all the time. He flies to Las Vegas to get lap dances, etc. Suffice to say, this is not a very bright guy.
In the history of kept men, I would think he’d learn something from Oprah’s man, Steadman. Here’s a guy that has managed to be her dude and get all the benefits of her money for years. Kevin isn’t even being asked to put up with a woman that’s a bit on the heavy side. Britney is considered by most to attractive and by some to be drop dead gorgeous (I am not part of the sum, let me assure you.) She’s got tons of money. She seems to support him to try and do things. But this guy is so dumb that he appears to be blowing all of it.
So I come to my point and my recommendation for a unit of measurement that I believe should be called the “DerLine” in honor of Kevin. What is this unit of measure? Very simple really. A DerLine is the amount of time that passes when, years from now, Kevin has a moment of clarity after nights upon nights of drinking where he looks around and says, “Wow, I wonder at what point my life went wrong?” and it is then following by, “Oh… yeah.” That brief nanosecond in time between those two sentences is a DerLine.
Needless to say you probably won’t be using this measurement all that much because it is on a par with being faster than the speed of light.