Don’t Name Your Dog “Monkey”

Sure, it seems funny. God, it probably seems hilarious after smoking an eighth with your friends and you all laughed like maniacs. But, this doesn’t matter, because it is simply not cool to call your dog monkey.

This is not cool for a variety of reasons; first and foremost the fact that a dog is not a monkey and should never look like a monkey, because if it did, then the pet store has probably screwed you over and actually sold you a monkey. Learn your lesson and read the papers.

Probably the other big reason to avoid a primitive primate name for your dog, is because you often have to yell the name of a dog. It does seem to be the only thing to respond to after all sometimes. But, you see, this combination of vowels and consonants blend into the weakest sounding thing when you yell it. I discovered the the other day when walking through Dolores Park and this guy was yelling, “Monkey… Monkey…” Not cool, not cool at all.

As a general rule, dogs should have a one syllable name, since I believe that is all they really hear and if you give them a longer name (since this is a popular past time in the Castro it seems) make sure its something like “Sir Barksalot” or “Wenton Smallish Feet of Yapperingdale”. You know, something that will really make peoples’ eyes roll, since if you’re going to go there, don’t hold back and just go there!