ASAP Natch

Rarely do I get that bezerk about words that are introduced into common vocabuulary unless they’re used improperly or get used so much as to make me wish I could find the marketing director/hip hop star that invented the damn thing and strangle them into non-existence.
Lately however, I keep seeing “natch” used in common writing. Amazingly, I don’t hear it in conversation, just read it in printed text. I don’t know why there has been such a sudden growth of it, since this shortened form of “naturally” has been used since the forties. I guess people have just found it to be a cool thing to put in their emails or writings to sound hip in some way because they know a six decade old abbreviation. Go figure.
There’s nothing really inherently wrong with it, but the fact that it’s not heard in spoken conversation should tell you something. I’m assuming that its close sounding to “snatch” isn’t the most pleasant thing to make people conjure up while you’re talking to them, yet people keep writing the damned word down. I’m sure it will pass, but I’m noticing an alarming trend in people who use words like this, in that they’re really acronym or slang-prone, but they always get it all wrong or use it in a way that makes your skin burn with unpleasantness. Such is the case with ASAP, which really does cause me pain when I see it.
ASAP is not cool, not cool at all. Why people feel they have to tell it to you is pretty dumb because it gets used so much (and yes, wake up if you think you’re the only one using it) that it has gotten to be a moot descriptor or time definition. Case in point are some of the marketing people at my company who put those little alert flags on every other email they send out. If you categorize nearly everything as an emergency, then what actually constitutes and emergency is a whole different thing, natch.
As Soon As Possible tells me nothing. It is subjective. It is vague. And most of all, it’s so 1985. Why use ASAP when you can use something like “Tomorrow would be fine.”, “If it’s not happening by 4:00 we’ll all die.”, “I’ll be getting spanked by my dominatrix at lunch, please do it then.”, or “I really want it done now, I don’t give a damn who has more priority, and you are an impediment to my success as a human being.” Obviously the later is probably the terminology most people should use who use this ridiculous acronym.
Write like you talk. Say what you mean. Anything less will tend to get filed in the circular bin of my mind because there are people who have evolved being the coke snorting days when everyone suddenly got titles (i.e. cashiers at Walmart being “sales associates” or me having the title “coordinator” at three companies.) These post-monkey folks, as amazing as it may seem are able to quantify and summarize what they need to communicate without antiquated or indefinite phrases. These are people I hold dear to me. Be one of them. Feel the love.