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It was a ferry at 6AM. Six. AM! We couldn't believe that that was when the ferry left Jelsa for Split, but it really was the time. I think we even asked the ticket agent a couple of times if that was really true. I mean, what a painfully earlier time to get up to catch a boat that takes less than an hour and a half to get to Split. But, naturally, we did it because it was the only workable option. We really wanted to go to Vis or Supetar on Brač, but these options were not given to us.       We grumbled about the the time the whole way because we were that kind of tired that just hurts. But, upon arriving in to Split, we understood the logic of the time. There, our ship pulled in, surrounded by countless others, all bearing the dull, Jadrolinija letters across their sides. So, it became readily apparent that this was an attempt at giving people a hub from which they could transfer to any of the other ships that were there. This all makes sense, but in a Communist kind of sense because most people aren't transferring to another ferry line to continue their journey. If someone is in Split, then they will probably hop on to a bus, a train, or a city bus to go to the airport in Trogir. The real thing that people want to do is to hop from island to island, but this is really tricky with this company. For instance, to go to Vis, there is one or two ferries a week from the main port on Hvar to there. I think it must take something like a half hour to get there, since you can literally see Vis from the west end of Hvar. But no, if you want to get there easily, you need to go back in to Split and then take a ferry back out to Vis.       Jadrolinija has done a great job of centralizing their whole operation, but now they need to learn how to make it usable. They're certainly making enough off the cost of taking cars out to the islands (100 euros to Vis) that I would think someone could stop thinking in this "It's the customer's pleasure to use us." attitude that is thankfully, painfully, slowly dying out in these former Communist countries. The only problem with change at Jadrolinija is that they pretty have quite a monopoly over the whole coast, so you're left with little choice other than them. Yay. Way to go privatization.

Don't get me wrong, I really like the island of Hvar and it is a pretty place, but it has been way, way over-hyped. As you can see in my lavender article, people have been sold this idyllic Mediterranean dream of an island, when in reality, it's like a great number of islands off the Croatian coast as well as the Italian, French, and Spanish coasts. "The Mediterranean as it once was" slogan from the National Tourist Board of Croatia is something of a joke, since it's really the Mediterranean as it should never be; full of drunken tourists, expensive prices, and an economy that is based on functioning for four months, as opposed to maintaining a stabilized flow of tourism so that people could really have normal lives there, instead of being the equivalent of fruit pickers.       I suppose that's what really annoys me about Hvar. There is the mentality that it is okay to milk the tourist because that's what they are there for and well, you have to do it because the season is so short and you have to make money while you can. The irony in all of this is that if I went to an apartment in Hvar Grad in say, November, I would bet money that a great many pension owners would still try to get the high rate of 60 Euros a night and refuse to bargain on it. They would rather remain empty and get that prime rate two nights a month, than have a constant flow of people which would allow them to have a reliable income.       The Croatian writer Slavenka Drakulić talks about this a great deal in her book, Cafe Europa which is an excellent read. She is not popular in Croatia and it is obvious why, because she speaks the truth about the mentality of the people in her country after the fall of Communism. What is sad is that this book is from 1996 and 11 years later, the vast majority of it is still holds water. This is why I respect the tourism industries of Slovenia or Bosnia Herzegovina a great deal more. They don't have a massive coastline to export for immediate touristic consumption and so they have to work harder to develop their tourism industries. This is having them create a more sustainable type tourism in their countries.       Anyways, this has come a long way from talking about Hvar, but it is a small example that is indicative of a broader problem in Croatia that I may or may not go in to more in a later article. Suffice to say, don't go to Hvar looking to develop property, awaken your soul, lay on the "sandy beaches" (the panacea of British and Irish travlers), or find a dream vacation at bargain prices. It now costs the same as the rest of Europe and while nice, is not something to kill yourself to get to.

If you know the name, Hvar, then you most likely know the word, lavender. Those two have been forever linked through the tourist trade because to sell people on an island in Croatia that they can't pronounce required telling them about all the lavender that grew there, right?       Well, the Croats aren't stupid and they saw the tourists coming in to Hvar, asking about lavender this and lavender that, so they really pumped up the whole lavender thing. There are number touristic things all themed around lavender. There are places called Cafe Lavanda (Croatian for lavender.) The signs for the homemade wines and liquors that usually read 'Vino Rakija' read 'Vino Rakija Lavanda' on Hvar. It is everywhere so if you really want lavender, then this is your place. Except that it really isn't.       For one thing lavender is just a plant. Sure, it smells nice, but planning your trip around a plant is pretty nuts. And if I hear another person talking about wanting to run through a field of lavender in some post-pubescent daydream, I've got news for her, go to Slavonia. You see, I've been across all of Hvar. Really, I have. I've seen the whole island and while there are some hidden coves that I know I've not seen, there are no massive fields of lavender there. Sure, there are some and lavender still grows there, but there are apparently a greater number of them in Slavonia which is in that weird shape of the eastern hook of Croatia that touches Serbia. Whether or not this is being exported to Hvar is a matter I know nothing of. The moral of the story is: don't base a vacation around something in potpourri air freshener.

While visiting the lovely island of Hvar in Croatia, we stayed in Jelsa. Prior to our trip there, a friend in Sarajevo warned about the drunken Lager Lads and other such morons in Hvar Grad on the far western point of the island. While a beautiful spot that city, we were told that we had better be ready for vomit in the water and broken glass on the sidewalk. Additionally most people seemed to emphasize that rather open gay couples had been flocking to the town as well. The last bit didn't bother me at all, being from San Francisco, but the locals weren't too in to it. The locals also happened to not be in to drunken Lager Lads trying to grope the local girls and so a group of these Brits got beat up badly last year, with the beaters not getting caught, which I do happen to be a fan of. Island Justice is tough justice, but sometimes deserved.       So, after hitchhiking from the pitstop of Sućuraj, we found a nice apartment at a good rate that had a terrace overlooking the bay and port of Jelsa. It also happened to have a really sweet older couple running all of it, which included appointing the apartment with everything we could need. A quick stop to the local store in the town and we were set for a few days, which actually turned in to a couple of days extra because we were so relaxed there that we didn't want to leave.       Around the town there isn't too much. The wine growing area is close by, but you need a car to enjoy most of it. The rather overrated Tomić has a tasting room in town, but that's about it. Just outside the bay of the town to the left there is a pretty good beach, which is naturally full, but not crowded and when boats don't illegally dump their sewage on a Monday morning, the water is quite nice. Overall, it's really the relaxing quality of the town and a lack of most of the drunken idiots you find in Hvar town that make Jelsa a very appealing alternative.       There is one down side to the town, which is which it earned a "nearly" in the title and that's the fact that the church bells drive you insane. Some people complain about the mosques calling for prayer five times a day, but really, clanging church bells at six in the morning that go on for an hour are much, much more unnerving. Toss in the fact that on a Saturday that we were there, Mišo Kovač was singing for all the town to hear. Badly. Out of tune. And until two in the morning. Those church bells are a real killer at six when you've had the crooning of Mišo the night before. Honestly, I think it's a revenge against the tourists, but even still, I highly recommend Jelsa if you're staying on Hvar.

There are really two access points to the island of Hvar and naturally both require taking the ferry. The main one is Stari Grad on the west end of the island and most people take this. It's really the only reason to go to Stari Grad as once I saw it, I was definitely not a fan. The other point of entry is on the east end of the island and runs from Drvenik to Sućuraj. These are both small towns and nothing special, although Drvenik seems to have a decent beach at it. The ferry runs quite frequently and is cheap, so we decided to go this route and avoid the whole mess of traveling up to Split to travel back down to Hvar at Stari Grad.       All seemed good until we landed in Sućaraj, for there are absolutely no bus connections from this town to the west end of the island, which is 77km! So let me just emphasize now, do not go by ferry to Hvar via Sućuraj unless you have motorized transportation! Actually, now that I said that, let me say that there is a bus connection, every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. The first is at 5:45, the next at something like 13:00, and I can't remember when the third was, but no local knew about this, so I'm guessing that they actually don't run or are such crap that no one bothers to take them. So I emphasize once again to run with the assumption that there is no bus out of here.       So, what did we do? Well, we were screwed. We bumped in to a British couple who were in the same predicament. There happened to be the oh so helpful taxi driver (the only one) who would give us a lift. When asked in Croatian by us as to how much it would cost, he said 500kn ($95)!!! When asked by the British, they were told 800kn!!!       This it appeared was the only option. Did we take it? No. No we didn't. The Brits did though and we just shook our heads as we headed to the road to do the universal fall back: hitchhike. Yes, we hitched our way across Hvar. Luckily, we found a great Italian couple after waiting about 15 minutes who gave us a lift all the way to Jelsa which was stellar. So, we felt pretty good with pride and wallet intact after all of this and set about to enjoy Jelsa.       On a side note, it needs to be mentioned that we ran in to the Brits again in Hvar Grad. They were jogging in 35C heat at 18:00, so you can guess how the conversation went, but I'll summarize anyways:       Them: "Oh hi there, you made it!"       Us: "Yeah, we hitchhiked."       Them: "Oh. Did you wait long?"       Us: "About 15 minutes and we got a ride all the way in to town [most roads on Hvar don't go directly in to the town, but bypass them with a turnoff]."       Them: "Oh, good."       Us Thinking: How does it feel to get the British Treatment from a Croatian Island Taxi Driver?       Them [Should Have Been] Thinking: Pretty bad, but I guess we learned for the next time and will pass on the word to other Brits not to fall for this crap.       Them [Most Likely] Thinking: God, what a barbaric way to spend a holiday. Hitchhiking... At least now we have a silly story to tell when we're back home about how much we paid when we were in this really backwards country on the Adriatic. Gotta keep running or the pulse will drop. Ciao!

While in Belgrade, I had a drink with a friend of a friend who is Czech and works in a bureaucratic capacity. We got to talking about dream positions in consulates and embassies and I said that Croatia must be at the top of the list. "Oh no, not if you're in the Czech Embassy there." "Huh?", I said in some why that undoubtedly must have sounded even dumber than that.       He went on to explain that the Czech people are dying left and right when they go to Croatia and when you die in another country as a foreigner, the embassy of your country has to deal with your now dead ass, which is not fun. Obviously most people probably think this can happen with anyone from any country, but apparently it happens with alarming frequency to the Czech people. They'll go on a hike in the middle of nowhere with no water. They'll go climb some unsafe mountain. They just die for some reason or another that tends to be intertwined with a love of the outdoors and unconditionally bad planning. I suppose the worst of all these deaths is when some poor bloke gets washed out to sea and then trying to find the body is a nightmare.       There is a lesson to be learned in all of this which is that if you're Czech and on holiday in Croatia, watch out! Your life is already in danger and you don't even know it.

After having actually set foot on Korčula for the first time, I have to say that I quite like it. It was a bit strange to really walk through the old town, because I've seen it twice from the ferry on trips either to or from Dubrovnik. Both times I thought, hey, that looks nice, maybe I should stop there. So naturally it took my fourth trip to the mighty Hrvatska to finally see Korčula properly.       Honestly though, the old city is quite small. One could cover it in a day trip if one were inclined to do such a thing. But, one would miss the overall ease and slowness of the island. For instance, the Spaniards get a hard time about closing from 1:30 to 4:00 for lunch. The folks on Korčula one up them in this department, sometimes closing from 12:30 to 5:30! Silly islanders. Once you're there though, you understand to some degree as it gets freakin' hot during the middle of the day and there aren't that many beaches to cool off in; near the old city anyways.       We rented a car and drove in a bit to see more of the island. It's a lot the same with old stone houses and a mild, simple life. I rather liked that. The only thing that I really don't like in places like this are asinine tourists. Thankfully, the island is clear of the great many of them. The locals told us that in July and August it gets packed, but when were there just a week ago, it was really empty. I would even go so far as to say it was deserted. But, as we were getting near leaving, we started to run in to more 'lager lads' and idiots out for a drinking weekend. One group of Aussies (or Brits, didn't hear them clearly enough to tell) circled around us a few times, before finally deciding on just the right bush to take a piss on. Lovely. It's a wonder the ladies weren't chasing them down.       The only thing that's really missing on Korčula is red wine in great amounts. Tons of whites. They take great pride in them, especially Pošip. Don't get me wrong, they're quite good wines, but after a three days near the red regions around Dubrovnik, it was a bit of a shock. Still worth a visit though. It just sounds like July and August are to missed as thez are everywhere that's warm.

I'm not really sure what is going on here, but the pension owner called me out from eating one day to ask for "help" in tying this piece of wood on to the piece of metal holding up the clothesline. I'm not really sure what this was improving or fixing, but he felt it really shored-up something saying, "Yes, yes, this is much better now."       While certainly not bailing wire, random pieces of wood are also vital elements to a good Slavic Praver. Let me emphasize that the wood takes on any form possible and that the wood selection is not based on the needs of the prav, but the prav is worked around the size of the wood. This may or may not require additional bailing wire, so have some handy just in case.

I'm writing this from Korčula at the moment, which is a lovely island, just a stone's toss off the Croatian coast. I love it here. It's very quiet even though it has a rather strong tourist population. I'm not sure where they go, but unlike Dubrovnik, it's like paradise here.       Of course, this comes at the cost of having seen another island called Mljet right before this. The experience was nothing shot of utter craptasticness. For those who know me, you know that I love Croatia. I will speak endlessly about how great the country is. Mljet has changed that to some degree as I've found the first place that I really hate. The beaches really aren't that great there and there's not much to do except waste money. The landscape isn't even that nice and there's no freaking winemaking!       Tour books write a bit about the national park that is on the island. It features a working monastery called Sveta Marija. It's okay, but it's not worth the 90 kuna (about 16 USD) entrance fee, because that's really all there is to see in the park. You go out to the island, wander around for 15 minutes, then you wait for an hour to go back to shore. Then there are two main towns on that end of the park: Polače and Pomena. There is really nothing worth visiting on either of these villages of less than 50 people. Then there is Sobra in the middle of the island that's even smaller. There are some other towns on the island, but in total 1,000 people live in a place that is 40km long and 3km wide. In other words, it's pretty barren. There is no Starbucks, and not even in Irish Pub, which will put the level of tourism in perspective for you. This is great if that's what you want, you have your own transportation, your own gas (there are no gas stations), and you feel like wasting a lot of money getting around. I was not in any of these camps.       You see, there are three ferry lines that go to Mljet: Jadrolinija to Sobra, Atlantagent to Sobra and Polače, and then Atlas to Pomena. The only place you'd really want to go is Pomena since it has more flats to rent, a hotel, and is closest to the park. The big catch is that there are absolutely no connections between these three towns. There are no buses and there are no local ferries. This leaves you renting a bike to make 4.5km trip from Pomena to Polače, or renting an old car from Mini Brum or others to put around the island. None of these are good options and all will cost you a bit.       Ultimately, there should just be one port to make it easier to get around and also, it would be nice if the damned tourist offices in any of the towns gave enough of a damn to tell you information about another town. That's what ultimately screwed us because no one could tell us anything. They didn't care and so we got the shaft and parted with a good deal of money in less than one day to get around this island.       The moral of it all is that if you really, really want to visit Mljet, do so on an organized day tour. If you want to spend longer and enjoy the vast emptiness of it, take a car with a full tank of gas. Otherwise, don't waste your time. Go in to southern Bosnia if you want a better day trip from Dubrovnik.

Bailing wire. It is the panacea of any farmer as well as any good Croat. I know this because I grew up on a small farm in the US and my father was Croatian. There was no end to what could be repaired using this stiff wire. Mending a fence was merely a jumping off point to bigger and better things to stitch back together. I think 30% of any carburetor in our family cars was comprised of bailing wire. The safety catch on the power saw, which stopped functioning, was held out of the way with a good length of bailing wire. And then, at some point, the chimney pipe started to wobble and leak smoke. My god, but bailing wire was a wonderful way to yank that damned pipe back in to order.       People will often ask me why I come back to Croatia again and again. Firstly, it's a beautiful country, but secondly, I feel very at home here as shown in the example below, taken in the old city of Dubrovnik, where a chimney pipe has been tacked together with the almighty bailing wire. Long live Slavic praving.